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Nov. 8th, 2016

(no subject)

This feels so different.

I haven't posted in here since just after Trever died.

My life is completely different.
I am completely different.

I can't even begin to explain the how, or the why.

I've lived in two different states, and very recently came back to Idaho.

Colorado. Oh, my dearest Colorado.
Colorado chewed me up and spit me out, and then allowed me to find myself for the first time in my life.

When we decided to move to Colorado, I saw it as my chance to leave everything behind.
And I mean everything.
I thought I could leave Idaho and all my baggage behind.

I was so wrong.

Surprise! You can't out run your problems.
My problems were with me, they didn't stay in Idaho.
If anything, they were magnified.

We left in April, 2015. Within the first month I wanted to go back to Idaho. I was sure that now, all my problems HAD to be Colorado. I didn't fit in, the people were different, the weather sucked, yadda yadda. But my first visit back to Idaho confirmed the problem wasn't Colorado, it was me.

Then I lost it. My brain broke. I was in the hospital for 4 or 5 days while they figured out my meds. It was the scariest time of my life.

Once I started to stabilize, I started school and things got better.
Then the end of the sales summer was approaching quickly and I started back down the rabbit hole. I quit school because we (mostly I) had decided we would be going back to Idaho the beginning of Sept. I don't remember how it happened, but I had a moment of clarity and decided we should stay. I realized my ONLY reason (at that point) for wanting to go back was the safety zone. Idaho had become my safe place. But it was only safe, because it was comfortable. So we stayed. And thank God we did. Because I was so uncomfortable almost 24/7, I was able to actually grow. I was stagnant in Idaho. I didn't have to change, or deal with anything if I didn't want to. I could easily bury my head in the sand. Not in Colorado. I started back at school and we stayed until the following summer.

This summer we signed in Washington.
The whole summer was so different from CO. It was so much better, I was better.
If I hadn't had CO, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.

We got a house out in Idaho back in Oct.
Being back is different.
It doesn't feel the same. Which is good.

And now I can really start to heal from everything in my past.
It's a start...

Dec. 16th, 2011

The grand illusion

I'm drifting. Coasting through life. I'm tired. I want to just stop. I want to have feelings again. I've become numb. It's a familiar feeling, and maybe a comforting feeling. I am on the edge of the rabbit hole and ready to free fall down. My stomach hurts to think of it but something is pulling me down. Maybe I am just tired of fighting it. I'm alone. I am always alone. I don't know what the answer is.

Blink. Blink. Blink.
Blank. Blank. Blank.
Tears. Tears. Tears.
Gone. Gone. Gone.
Alone. Alone. Alone.

Oct. 16th, 2009

(no subject)

I am a new person.

I am becoming everthing I have ever wanted. My anxiety is gone! I am speaking my mind. I am no longer stuck in the house. And body is becoming new too. I am strong. I am strong in mind and soon body as well. Nothing will ever hold me back again! I am new.

A brand new happy verson of me.

Sep. 7th, 2008

finally

we got our internet turned back on.

and got a new computer because I totally killed my last one. :(

so I guess I'm back again until I fuck something else up lol.

lots shit has happened and I don't even care to talk about it I just wanted to post this website for all of you incase you haven't found out the beauty of post secret....

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

you'll be impressed and they have books too... AMAZING

Dec. 29th, 2004

.Yep.Yep.Yep.

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